Hi y'all! Just checking in to let you know that I'm still fat.

Last week was the first week in months that I didn't work out at all. I had a busy work week AND it was my birthday AND we had stuff with the kids going on every night of the week. It's not an excuse, just admitting.... I feel icky, though, and am ready to get back to the gym today.

As usual, I've been eating like crap. Of course, even if I was on a diet, I probably would have blown it big time this past weekend. I love long holiday weekends, but why do I feel the need to honor our veterans by binge eating?

So, TODAY, I'm starting something new. Let me give you a little back story....

A little over a year ago, I started doing Weight Watchers. I did it for a while strictly as an online member, and then I started going to meetings. I didn't lose a substantial amount of weight, but I consistently lost 1-2 pounds/week, which is healthy. I found that the program (I did POINTS) was *fairly* (I'll define fairly in a minute) easy to stay on, and I was happy that I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted so long as I stayed within my allotted points.

Ok, I said it was fairly easy, but here's where I fell off the wagon. If I was staying in my routine (work, home, sleep--repeat, repeat, repeat) then I could stick to it. But, once I was out of my routine, I would break. In mid-June, we travelled to Florida for Jeff's brother's wedding. Uh, sorry, but I cannot calculate the points value for unbelieavable seafood and open bar.

Plus, I found it difficult to plan my own meals and calculate the points value. So, here is where the genius of my new plan is revealed.

E-Mealz! My sister told me about E-Mealz and I looked into it and I think I'm going to like it. This program develops new menus every week. You can sign up for their "regular" menus, or low-fat, OR....POINTS menus. Obviously, I'm doing the points one. They provide a menu for every night of the week, AND tell you the points value, AND provide a shopping list based on the menu. How easy!

Of course, I say that now....I'll check back in and let you know how it goes! :)

Also, shout out to Mimi Pam....thanks for the comment on my last post--I know I'm a terrible updater! ;)

Good news! I've lost 14 pounds!

Just kidding.

Ugh, this blog. I've been avoiding it purposely. Kinda like I when I'm walking through the mall and I fake talk on my phone so I don't have to talk to the "Can I ask you a question....do you wear your nails natural?" people. But, I started this and I'm sticking with it until I lose 30 lbs. Even if it takes me 40 years. And it probably will.

I AM working out. I work from the office Mon-Wed and I work at home on Th & Fri. So, on days I go to the office, I go work out during lunch. I'm typically at the gym for about an hour and fifteen minutes or so. Everyday I do 25 minutes of cardio (either elliptical or treadmill) and one week I'll do upper body weights twice and lower body once, and then I'll switch the next week.

I lose and gain the same 3-4 lbs over and over again and I know why. 1) I probably should work in a couple more workouts a week. 2) I haven't drastically changed my diet (although I'm still doing no fried foods and no coke [coke as in soda, not street drug] [but, i'm not doing street drug, either]) 3) While I AM working out, I'm not necessarily busting my butt. I know that if I am only going to work out 3X/week, I need to step up the intensity to actually lose those 3-4 lbs for good.

Here's the thing, though--I feel so much better. For the first time at this weight, I'm okay with being this weight. No, I don't want to stay here, but I'm okay with getting a slow start off the starting block. For the first time in a long time my legs are hard and muscle-y. They don't jiggle (as much) when I walk. And, even though I haven't lost weight, I'm pretty sure I've lost inches. My pant legs are starting to look more like pant legs and less like sausage casing.

So, there's the update. Wish I had more progress to share, but I'm happy to report that I'm still on this journey....even if I'm moving at a snail's pace!

Bad CARma

Yesterday was a really frustrating day. My car broke down while I was driving it. And, as CARma would go, I was on a busy overpass, stuck on a lane, with no shoulder, holding up a lot of angry jerks.

Fortunately, I was on my way back from the gym--otherwise I would not have worked out at all yesterday.

Unfortunately, I didn't eat breakfast at all yesterday and had planned on eating lunch once I returned to the office.

Also, I should have peed before I left the gym. I definitely would have had I had known I was going to be sitting in my car for the next 2.5 hours.

So, at 3:30 once the tow truck had dropped off my car at Pep Boys (for the second time in 3 days--NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER use Pep Boys) I was famished. And pissed. And tense. I had basically been gripping my steering wheel for two hours expecting to be rear-ended every time I glanced in my rear view mirror and would see a car coming at me 60 mph. I felt like I really deserved a big honkin' plate of enchiladas and a Paul Bunyan-sized glass of margarita--so, that's what I got. And, I don't regret one single bit of those calories.

I just ate probably a 2000+ calorie meal.....and I can justify it

Oh, heavens to Betsy! What a terrible, crappy, bleepity bleep bleeping day!!!!!

I swear I can justify the made-for-mammoth meal, but it's going to have to be later. I'm off to pour myself a glass (carafe/pitcher/gallon) of wine.....or tequila.

Breakthrough

I've been in weight therapy with myself. As I've mentioned before, I would tell you I'm fat because a) I like to eat [this is the biggie!] b) I've had two kids in the last few years c) I'm getting older d) I don't move as much as I used to [i.e. I sit at a desk most of the day]--I could probably go all the way to z, but you get the point.

So, my therapist (me), as well as Bo.b Gre.ene, Dr. Ph.il, and all of the other weight loss "experts" would say that those are "symptoms", but not the cause. This always confused me b/c if I didn't do a-d (z) then I probably wouldn't be fat...so, sounds like a cause to me!! Occasionally I'll see on shows that people have this breakthrough discovery and realize why they're fat; something traumatic that happened to them as a child, something terrible that was said to them by someone, etc. Nothing ever terrible or traumatic has ever happened to me, and sure, I've had my fair share of hurtful things said to me, but I never believed *that* was the reason I was fat.

Then, out of the blue last week while I was watching Sup.er.Nanny, I discovered *why* I was fat. She was helping this family that had two little boys that were of course TERRIBLE. She came up with this technique to reward them for good behavior. While they were showing the footage of how it worked and how it was helping, the dad said, "The boys are starting to understand that if they want "x", they're going to have to earn it". It was a simple, simple sentence, but it hit me like a truck and has resonated with me since.

Before I go further, let me state that I don't intend to sound spoiled or egotistical when I explain the following. I've never felt like I was "owed" anything and I'm certainly not a "toot my horn" type of person (just ask my boss--he basically has to beat it out of me in my reviews!).

All my life things have come fairly easy for me. High school was a breeze, even Honors classes. I played tennis through high school. I was a decent player--won some, lost some. I was never ranked or anything, but there was never any question about me making the team. College wasn't much of a challenge, either. I did well in my classes and graduated with a 3.5 GPA. I worked at a restaurant through most of my college years and easily balanced work, school, sorority, etc. After college I got a IT consulting sales job. I hated this job, but I was good at it. I put in little effort, made decent money, and won several quarterly sales contests. I really hated it, though, and quit after I got pregnant with my first child. Speaking of which, we were really lucky that we got pregnant with both of our children so quickly--we didn't have to "work" to get pregnant like so many couples do. In my current role, I am an accountant for a large telecommunications company. This is comical b/c I know NOTHING about accounting. I was a marketing major--accounting is confusing and boring to me. However, I guess I do what I need to do to get the job done. My boss thinks I hung the moon, and who am I to argue.

With this being said, I choose to do what I know I can do. In high school, I never would have taken more math than necessary. In college, I would drop classes that I thought would be too difficult. The first job I had out of college I hated b/c sales was something out of my comfort zone and I hated being "uncomfortable" 40 hours a week. And, this job...I guess I'm "good" at it, but I definitely just do enough to get by. And, my kids? Well, ashamedly, I'm sure I've cut corners with them, too.

I don't think I'm a lazy person. In fact, I often think I do too much. I constantly have a lot of plates spinning and think they're going to come crashing down at any moment. Though I do it and I love it (except the work part!), I'm sometimes overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a wife, mom, professional, housekeeper, friend, etc. Most days I wake up before 6 am and oftentimes don't sit down to take a break from the day until 9:30 or later. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not lazy, and honestly, I'd be more offended by someone calling me lazy than calling me fat.

If you're still reading, I promise I'm getting to a point....(I think). My point is, I'm fat because I choose to do things that I know I can do and flee from things I'm unsure of. Exercising, eating right, and being healthy to achieve weight loss and where I want my body to be is what I would consider something I'm "unsure of".

Which leads me back to the the Sup.er.Nanny quote--if I want to lose weight, I'm going to have to earn it, it's not going to be given to me. It's NOT going to come easy for me. I'm going to have to STEP OUTSIDE my comfort zone. I'm going to have CHALLENGE myself.

So, now that I know this....what now? It's time to draft my weight loss blueprint (coming soon!).

Well, WI day has come and gone and I didn't lose any weight. I'm not at all surprised considering I chose to celebrate the weekend of the rising of our Lord with a deadly sin--gluttony. Didn't gain any either, which is good, but I've been working out for 4 weeks now (I think) and I've lost 2 lbs. I would SOOOO be voted off the Biggest Loser!!

I did have a HUGE revelation, though. I'm pretty sure I have pinpointed "why" I'm overweight--how I got this way and why I've been "stuck" this way. I have thought about this a million times and thought that maybe it was *this* or maybe it was *that*, but no--it wasn't. Now I know.

And, I'll share it with you on Monday. It's going to take more time than I have right now to explain.

Baby steps

I just ate the biggest dang lunch. Seriously, only individuals training for the sumo wrestling world championship should have eaten what I just ate. And, by individuals, I mean hippos. And, even though it technically was salad (okay, salad TRIO--Caesar, chicken salad, and pasta salad), truth is, I wasn't even really that hungry. But, I ate it.

I KNOW my biggest weight loss inhibitor is my diet. I've never minded exercise at all, but "dieting" is my arch nemisis. I guess I have what the experts would call "issues" with food. It's become increasingly popular for nutrition experts to say (at least on the talk shows I watch) that you need to get to the root cause of why you're fat and why you overeat. I've thought and thought about this and can honestly say that there hasn't been a certain incident in my life that I can pinpoint and say that that incident has subconciously caused me to overeat. Can't it just be that I enjoy eating? Can't it just be that eating is the one thing that I really do well, so I tend to overachieve at it?

Maybe. Maybe not. But, at this point I'm done thinking about it. I wish I could say that starting right now I'm only going to eat lean meat, fish 3x week, vegetables at every meal, etc. But, I know myself and I know I'm not going to do this. However, I have started to make better choices, and I'm committed to taking baby steps to slowly improve my diet. Things I've already started doing-- I'm buying ground turkey as opposed to ground beef; I'm cooking vegetables for every meal that I make at home (however, we do eat out about 3x week); I'm NOT drinking sodas; I'm cutting out fried foods.

Those are my baby steps, my friends.....

Mixed Bag

If ever there was a day to skip the gym, it should be today. It is RAINING SIDEWAYS. And hard. But, being the committed exerciser that I am, I went to the gym anyway.

Actually, I really felt like I *had* to go. My plans for the day got interrupted yesterday when I stayed home with my *non-sick* daughter and I didn't make it to the gym at all. (You see, her daddy came downstairs as I was about to leave for work and said Landry had just thrown up. I decided immediately I'd work from home and keep her with me. Within 30 minutes she was jumping on the mini-tramp in my bedroom--I got suspicious--this is either going to make her blow chunks like chunks have never been blown before, or she's not sick. As it turns out, it was the latter. Apparently, Jeff was brushing her "teeth" too hard and she gagged and threw up.)

And, I blew my back-up plan, too. Plan B was to do my exercise DVD. I bought this DVD after I had Korley almost two years ago. I had seen a story about it on our local news and how people were having amazing results, so I ordered it. We were going on a beach vacation with some friends when Korley was 4 months old, so my goal was to NOT look like a fat pregnant heifer during the vacation. The DVD worked--by vacation time I only looked like a fat heifer. Seriously, it is a good DVD and I did lose inches, but the problem is that the DVD is SO. DANG. BORING!!!! The production quality is horrible--I'm pretty sure they filmed it in some sort of hotel conference room. Actually, make that motel conference room. I'm way off track now, but my point is, I couldn't bring myself to fighting through an hour of boringness.....

....not while Dancing With the Stars was on!! However, then I saw Edyta and her freakin' 12-foot-long faboulous legs and I wished I had done something yesterday. Snap!

What I DO Know....

I'm certainly no exercise and diet guru. If I were, I wouldn't need to lose in the ballpark of 40 lbs. But, I've been on plenty of exercise and diet programs in the past and here's what I know about myself. Note: these are the things I think about on the elliptical machine.....

--Speaking of the elliptical, I prefer it far more than the treadmill. I don't love it, but it's my cardio machine of choice.

--"Experts" always say you need to burn more calories than you consume. I tend to burn about 100 calories/10 min of cardio. That means that if I'm eating about 1200 calories a day, I need to do more than 120 minutes (2 hours!!) of cardio. This poses two problems....1) No way in heck am I doing more than 2 hours of cardio (in one day) and 2) I'm pretty sure I'm eating more than 1200 calories/day.

--Which brings me to my next point....something is better than nothing. I've taken a new approach with exercise *this* time. In my old work-out life, I tried to map out for the week what I would do at the gym. Usually, I would break the plan by Wednesday or Thursday, get down on myself, and forget doing anything for the rest of the week. My approach now is to do what I want. If I want to do cardio/upper body one day, fine. If I want to just do lower body one day, fine. If I just want to do 20 minutes of lunges, fine. My new philosophy is "something is better than nothing". {I can almost see personal trainers across America rolling their eyes}

--I cannot drink cokes (cokes in Texas is Coke, Diet Coke, Dr Pepper, Pepsi--anything carbonated) and lose weight. Something about carbonation *bloats* me and inhibits me from losing weight. Plus, I'd rather eat my calories than drink them.

--I'm changing my WI day to Wednesday. Monday is a stupid WI day. Who's going to lose weight after the weekend? Plus, Tessa's day is Wednesday and maybe if I change my day to her day, I'll lose as much weight as she has. ;)

--Speaking of WI, I did lose ONE pound from last Monday to this past Monday. Considering how hard I didn't work, I'll take it. Plus, if I keep this up, I'll be at my goal weight in 40 weeks.....sigh!

Good news/Bad news

Good news--I went back to the gym today. Yesssssss.....20 minutes of the elliptical and 40 minutes of upper body strength training.

Bad news--I haven't lost one itty bitty pound in two weeks.

Good news--I didn't gain any, either. Which is somewhat of an accomplishment in itself considering.....

Bad news-- since the last workout I've eaten Outback, Chili's three times, Snuffer's, Abuelo's, my body weight in sushi rolls, and a bunch of other unhealthy crap. Oh, and my Girl Scout cookies came yesterday....ugh!

Good news--I feel like I'm back on track. I was good at working out two weeks ago, not at all last week, and I liked the way I felt two weeks ago better.

I'll make this fast. Mostly because I don't have much to report, but also because Blogger has a schduled "outage" in a few minutes (side note--I hate blogger).

So, I did good with my workouts last week, and I even ate fairly well. Until Friday. I had my eyes dilated Friday they were seriously dilated to mid-morning on Saturday. I had such a headache from trying to see that the last thing I wanted to do was work out. And, the second to last thing I wanted to do was eat right. So, I went to Outback with my mom. And it was freakin' good! I continued my bad habits through the weekend, and I had out of town company staying with me on Monday night, so no working out on Monday, either. Plus, we had GNO (girls night out) with said guest Mon. night and I ate sushi. Typically, most sushi is not bad for you, but the way I like sushi it is--I also don't think it's good to eat your body weight in sushi either.

Anyway, guest is gone but my hubby is out of town now. These are all massive excuses and I realize that, but after getting the girls ready and off to school, driving, work, driving, picking up cranky girls, feeding them, doing homework, bathing them, and putting them to bed I just don't have the energy to work out.

Also, I'm getting Lasik on Friday (WOOHOO!!) and the doctor's orders are NO EXERCISE for two days post-op. So, I figure what's the point? I'll just start back everything fresh on Monday.

So, that's where I am. I'm actually looking forward to next week, getting back in the gym and getting back in our routine. I felt good last week and I feel icky this week. Ugh!

Day 2

Man, I'm mad!! I just wrote this huge long post and poured out all of my inner-thoughts about fat/exercise/dieting/etc and when I went to post it, I got some sort of completely typical Blogger error and it all disappeared! UGH!!

Anyway, in a nutshell, I worked out on Day 2. And, Tessa, no--I'm not divulging my starting weight. Not yet at least. Maybe when I've reached my *goal* I'll publish my starting weight, but not now. I will say, though, that if I were 6'8" and nine months pregnant, I'd probably be at ideal weight.

This blog is back! Not because I got thin and then fat again, but because I'm still fat (and mad!) and now going to do something about it.

Weigh-In days are Mondays. I read several weight/diet/exercise blogs and a lot of people divulge their starting weight. Not me--not gonna do it. But, I will update how many lbs I'm down from week to week.

So, for the first time in a LONG time I made my way to *the gym* today--the new gym. It's not technically new, but it was the first time I've been (even though I've been a member since August) so it's new to me. I hate being "new", especially to gyms. I like to walk in and know exactly where I'm going and what I'm doing--instead of aimlessly wandering searching for a particular machine (or locker room!). But, I went--and it was fine.

Today I just did 20 min. on the treadmill and about 30 min. of upper-body free weights. I intended to do 30 min. on the treadmill, but I was walking next to where Michael Johnson was running. This dude got on his treadmill about 8 min. into my walking and cranked his treadmill up to speed 10. Now I'm no track coach, but I don't think he really had any business going that fast. He was POUNDING the treadmill with every stride and was breathing like he had just come up from being underwater for 7 days. Anyway, after 12 minutes of this I decided that I had had enough. I know, I know--excuses, excuses. But, I was ready to get on with something else anyway. BTW, he didn't run at a 10 the whole time; after a few minutes he cranked it down to a more reasonable 8.5. :)

The only hitch came when I was going to back to the locker room to change back into my work clothes. Here's a beginner's locker room tip--memorize your locker combination BEFORE you lock all your belongings in a locker.

More tomorrow...